"I'd Be Building My Kingdom Just to Watch it Fade Away"

Good morning!  I can't believe there are many weeks I only write once.  I mean, I suppose in all reality that once is plenty, but I find myself thinking about little things I can post here and there, then don't, so they just add up into one really long post that no one even has the time to read! So, my goal is to write shorter tidbits so our family can check in on us without being burdened by a novel.

But, since it's been over a week, there is quite a bit I could write about.  Carly has done a couple of really silly things week...some big some small.

1.  I have to set this one up:  for months now, Carly has taken a nap about an hour before getting ready for bed.  Because she only takes half hour naps, this seems to work out.  She is up for 45 minutes to an hour and then we are already starting our bedtime routine.  So, a few weeks ago we decided to do her bedtime routine at that nap, hoping to just change her bedtime.  She woke up 31 minutes later.  So....one night this week we put her down for her last nap and she didn't wake up 30 minutes later.  She didn't wake up an hour later.  After two hours had passed we pretty much decided she was out for the night so we went to bed.  I slept terrible that night, worried that she wasn't in her comfy pajamas, worried that the blanket I put on her to keep her warm in her t-shirt and skirt would get in the way and worried about her diaper that was already a bit full when we put her down for her nap.  I kept waking up in the night to check on her...wondering why she hadn't woke up yet.  Guess what times she woke up? 6am!  She slept soundly for 11 hours and went without eating for 13!  She was HUNGRY when she did finally wake up.  Anyway...it hasn't continued throughout the rest of the week, but it was pretty silly.
2. She unbuckled the top part of her car seat strap!  Good thing the bottom part is impossible to get undone!
3. She LOVES to eat paper...she will find it and eat it and enjoy it for quite a while.
4. Her strong love for music continues to show itself in funny ways.  This week when we've been driving in the car and one song ends and the gap before the next song happens, Carly gets fussy, saying, "wait, wait, wait, where did my music go...I still want it on...don't turn it off!!"  And then quiets right back down as soon as she hears the next song.  What's really funny about this is my mom has told me stories that I did the exact same thing when I was little.  Pretty sweet.
5. She LOVES the song referenced in the title of this blog.  It's kind of a cheesy song but it comes on the radio quite a bit and one day I got it stuck in my head and was singing it around the house and Carly was laughing SO hard.  It was the hardest I'd ever heard her laugh.  She did it again when Brian got home from work and now giggles every time I sing that song.  

 We've had a great week, but really, what day isn't great when I'm hanging out with my favorite girl.  I pretty much dread going to work each day and wish I wasn't working 30 hours a week (20 would be way better), but Brian and I crunched the numbers the other day and I contribute more than I thought I did...especially after insurance is deducted from his pay check.  But that point brings me to the other reason I chose this title for the blog.

Now that my identity is largely tied to Carly, I'm having some difficulty separating from that and figuring out who I'm suppose to be.  I get asked to work full time at least once a week, so a part of me gets pulled in that direction.  I'd really like to be on worship team at church, but that takes more time away from home as rehearsal is on the only day we get as a family.  I'd like to start getting involved in more community activities, I want to consistently be going for runs, working out, etc., I'd love to have my house be spotless (I did some deep cleaning this week and it felt awesome), I'd like to take up sewing so I can make Carly super cute things, I'd like to re-decorate the house, I'd like to be more creative with meals rather than whipping something up fast (at least I get dinner on the table most nights), I'd like to look "pretty" again, and I'd love to sit out on my chair and soak up God's word in daily uninterrupted devotional time.  So, if anyone can please give me advice on how I can be super-mom and get all these things done that would be much appreciated!  Life is largely defined by balance and expectations, neither of which are in line for me.  Why isn't pouring myself fully into Carly enough? Why do I feel guilty when all I've done is play with her all day and gotten nothing else accomplished. If my "kingdom" (purpose) is to be a loving wife and mother, why don't I find that fulfilling?  What is my purpose in this stage of life and how to I build upon that?  Again, I need some teaching from all my super-mom friends out there!

I tell you what, being a mother has exposed my weaknesses far more than any other period of my life.  Some say that getting married is sanctifying, that it shows you just how sinful we are, but being married was pretty easy for us.  My sanctification came the day I started spilling my insides when I began carrying my child.  I am so weak and I fall on my Heavenly Father way more than I ever have.  My entire labor I just kept singing in my head, "You are my strength when I am weak, You are my strength when I am weak..."  I don't think I've stopped singing those words.  Christ is teaching me to surrender my whole self.  It's a good lesson to learn, and not the first time I've learned it.  Life is pretty great if you look at the list of things that have gone just perfectly for us, but there is an internal battle I fight trying to build a kingdom that wont fade away.