"Mold Me & Make Me" {Mother's Day 2013}

It's been one week since my not-so-great Mother's Day, and I've gathered my thoughts and realized that it really wasn't so bad.  I've also realized that I am very much still being molded by God as a mother and my sweet daughter is as well.

To preface the day, I must first remind my readers that although I am thankful for the life we lead in Florida, there are emotional challenges that I have to ride out pretty continuously.  One of those is every single Sunday.  I know I've written about this before, but going to church without my husband sometimes feels like the world is coming to an end.  Not having that sacred time together certainly doesn't contribute to a healthy marriage, and going alone really sucks. No other way to say it. Who wants to walk into church each week looking single and alone?  No one.  That's why so many shy away from church.  Even though most of the people at church know me recognize me, and of course aren't judging me, it still feels that way.  To them I am a single mother and I don't fit in with the other couples or families.  I hate it.  Sometimes I just choose not to go because there is no use in me sitting in the service with tears streaming down my face.  I've been attending church alone for 2 years now.  2 years.  Enough is enough.  On top of hating going alone, I SO miss E.Free.  I miss being on worship team, I miss having people pour into my life who really care about me, I miss sitting with my family, I miss Pastor Staff and his challenges from the pulpit, I miss Sunday afternoon lunches out to eat with my family or on Brian's parents back porch. Friends, I can't even write this without having tears streaming down my face.  So, you see, because Mother's Day was on a Sunday, the day wasn't set up for success.

The other thing I have to endure is every single holiday.  Who do you spend time with on holidays?  Family.  When you don't have family around, you spend it with the people who you live with.  When the other adult you live with is at work on holidays, you spend it alone.  So, when Carly came into the picture, it certainly helped, as I no longer have to spend holidays alone.  But, we still aren't with family, even our little family.  I think you get the picture.  I also have very fond memories of our Mother's Day celebrations growing up.  Each year we would meet at the same restaurant (I believe it was called the Bavarian) and would march downstairs to the private room my grandparents had reserved for us.  The...what was 18 of us, back then, would sit all facing one another at what was 4 tables put together to make a square.  I remember the huge buffet line, the man playing his accordion, the delicious egg popovers and the sweet waitress who would remember what age each of the kiddos was year after year.  I remember my Grandpa always tipped her well because she took such good care of us.  We always brought 3 cards, one for my mama, one for Grandma and one for Nana.  I assume my Grandpa's mom (we called her G-mama) used to join us as well, but she's been gone too long for me to really remember.  We stopped meeting there years ago, but we continued to get together as a big family.  Each holiday that passes, my family has a tradition for...so each holiday that passes, I am sad I'm missing out on whatever it is. 

So, this year to combat these two things, I was very excited to spend the day with the Voss' gallivanting around WDW, as Chris & Nikki, along with the entire Voss clan, was in town on vacation.  I thought it would be the perfect getaway and help me pretend like I wasn't missing another holiday.  Our day started very early...I was more than happy to skip church and meet them at Magic Kingdom at 8:30am so Chris' niece could get her hair done at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.  The major downfall of WDW parks is the parking situation.  It just takes a day and a half of walking to get anywhere.  It's just so big.  I think if I could navigate it with a golf cart it would be much easier. ;)  Nevertheless, parking, taking the tram, walking, taking the monorail, walking into the park and then walking down Main Street to the castle in itself is exhausting.  Carly didn't want to be carried and refused a stroller, so our day was stressful from the moment we entered the park.  She very much cares about her needs and exerts her opinion in every situation (she get's that from her daddy...JK!), so she was frustrated with me for carrying her and I was frustrated with her for not being patient and making carrying her rather difficult.  Shortly after Katie got her hair done, it was already time for nap #1, so we hit a couple rides and had to essentially turnaround and do all the walking/carrying all over again.  We finally made it back the car and she fell asleep on our way to Hollywood Studios, where the rest of the clan was. Here's us riding the Carousel, which was not fun because she hit her lip on the handle and it started bleeding....

We were able to spend a little bit of time with the Voss clan once arriving to DHS.  We went to one show and had lunch before Carly was completely done with being told what to do.  The next 45 minutes was the best part of the day...as I just followed her around the park.  I let her go wherever she wanted to go and she was delighted to be making her own decisions.  She walked into a street show and literally became a part of the entertainment, she went into a merchandise location and pulled all the stuffed animals off the shelf, she put her hand prints on their sparkly clean mirror, she smelled the flowers and she waved to everyone passing by.  We weren't trying to keep up with a group and she wasn't having a meltdown, so this mama was happy.  We re-joined the group for "Beauty & the Beast," which Carly loved, and then it was already time for another nap.

Here comes the really bad part.  I tried to let her play some more, but she was being a bit defiant and wasn't willing to be re-directed, so I was just trying to get through the moment, which meant letting her do what she wanted.  She stumbled upon a tree who had just shed some leaves and was gathering them in her hand very sweetly.  She was also eating them.  This is a battle that I decided I just wasn't going to fight.  Yes, if she puts something very yucky or dangerous (like a rock) in her mouth I will force her to spit it out, but a leaf, my goodness, is fine.  Other adults, however, did not think so.  I got scolded more times than I care to count because my child was "eating" (she was only licking them...no swallowing going on) leaves.  For CRYING OUT LOUD PEOPLE, STOP parenting me and STOP parenting my child.  You don't know her, you don't know me, you most certainly do not understand the situation and you need to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!  And it wasn't just leaf eating...people would comment that she was running to fast, getting too far away from me, sitting on the hot cement, getting wet by slashing in puddles, etc, etc.  IT'S MOTHERS DAY for goodness sakes, I'm her mother and I'm doing a fine job.  So here's the deal folks...I was so upset I wanted to cry.  I scooped her up and found the baby care station so we could attempt a nap.  But please, if you get anything from this entry, it is that you need to mind your own business and not parent other people's children.  I am SO SORRY if I have ever parented your child!  It was unacceptable and I will not do it again.  Also, you can clearly see that when someone parents Carly, PARTICULARLY in front of me, I become very upset, so please refrain from doing so in the future.  Thank you.

Ahh, so nap time is where we both melted down.  You see, at four months old, I worked very hard to sleep train my child, with hopes that I could teach her to be a good sleeper for years to come.  It has worked out wonderfully for us and when you lay Carly down in her crib she goes down without a peep 98% of the time.  She, however, was not trained to fall asleep while cuddling or rocking, so attempting to put her to sleep that way does not work. I was foolish for thinking that it would, and should have bypassed the baby care center and walked back out to the car.  I didn't, though, and I created tears for the both of us.  At first she was giving into the idea of being in a dark room rocking with me, but she quickly realized that she was missing out on fun that she could hear outside and would not concede.  She was sitting on the floor screaming and refused to even sit on my lap.  I tried nursing her (which I don't do during the day anymore), tried singing her bed time song, completely turned off the lights, everything, and it didn't work.  She was so mad at me, that she decided to bite me while nursing as hard as she could.  I flicked her on the cheek as most mothers do when their child bites and she just clamped down harder.  I couldn't get her off.  I had to smack her decently hard to get a release, which made me feel like the worst mother in the world.  How could I have let it come to this?  I was so frustrated with her for not conceding and allowing herself to fall asleep.  I picked her up and off to the car we went.

I texted Brian bawling before I began driving and informed him I was going home.  She fell asleep within 90 seconds of turning the car on, so I changed my mind and went and sat in the parking lot of his work, instead.  As soon as I saw him, my day was instantly better.  We had been reunited as a family and he had brought me out a flower and a chocolate rose.  We drove to the Polynesian where I made myself a very large bowl of Dole Whip Pineapple and Vanilla ice cream, and we sat whispering in our running car so our little girl could stay asleep.  We drove over the the Voss' resort and let her walk around the lake while we waited for them to get back.  It was very lovely and the temperature was perfect.  Carly enjoyed walking up and down the path and Brian and I caught up on my day (I actually hadn't seen him since Friday, so we caught up on our weekend).  Here are some pictures we took with the iPod:

Chris & Nikki joined us on the path and the four of us had a nice time catching up.  I was so excited to spend time with them but because my daughter couldn't go-with-the-flow, I ended up missing out on most of the day with them, so it was nice to finally get to chat.  We ordered some Giordano's Pizza and ate with the Voss clan while watching Carly run around the hotel enjoying playing with Katie & Collin (Chris & Nikki's niece & nephew).  It was a really nice night.

After contemplating our day, I realized that I was wrong to be so upset with Carly.  She's 15 months old and as sweet as can be.  I'm thrilled that she has an opinion, I'm thrilled she's outgoing, I love that she's so active, not a push over and exerting some fine independence.  She's strong-willed, and ultimately, that's a pretty great quality if pointed in the right direction.  And whose job is it to help her navigate?  In this case, on that day, it was solely my responsibility.  There were parts of the day that I did a good job of doing that, and other parts that were really lousy.  I was talking to one of my friends about all of this and she pointed me to these set of verses:

Proverbs 13:24:

"Whoever spares the rod spoils their children,
    but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

Ephesians 6:4:

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; 

instead, 

bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.:

I've been mediating on these all week and have come to the conclusion that God is doing a fantastic job of molding and making me into the mother He desires for me to be to however many children he blesses us with.  I'm not perfect, but I better do my best to be.  And when I inevitably fail, I must turn to my Father, my husband & my daughter for grace.

So my Mother's Day was exactly what it should have been; a day of pouring into my child, learning from her and evaluating myself, just like every other day.  And that's why we celebrate mothers...we thank them for their love and all the ways they've worked to mold themselves into the best mother they can be.

Happy Mother's Day, 2013.