"Life is Worth the Living Just Because He Lives"

August 19th I said goodbye to my Nana. Well actually I suppose I said goodbye earlier that year, March 2015.  But we had communicated since then.  August 19th she had a massive stroke.  Her body wanted to recover and press on living, but her mind did not.  She slept for 5 days and I have full confidence that her soul went to meet her maker on August 24th.

I had a terrible week leading up to her death.  I had taken on 60 hours of work in 7 days, committed to a few extra activities I normally don't commit to, booked flights for me to fly home alone with the kiddos, prepared 3 songs for the funeral, did a LOT of crying (I am not one who runs out of tears) and the night before we flew home began packing at 11pm...only to wake up at 5am to catch a flight to Iowa.  And of course in the midst of those things my nana had died.

Death sucks.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  Weather baby was 6 weeks in utero or a woman 99 years old...its a life...and a loss...and it must be grieved. Now everyone does this differently...so differently in fact that people almost never say the "right" thing to a person suffering a loss.  But we are inherently good human beings--designed in God's image--so we do our best to support one another.

I must say I was showered with love and affection and support and blessing, THANK YOU for checking in, sending cards, texts, emails and phone calls.  Knowing that my family was in the thoughts and prayers of my closest friends was a blessing to me. Thank you!

Funerals are great.  In my opinion.  They bring such closure to a traumatic event.  It's a time to say goodbye, celebrate life, reflect on wonderful memories and prepare for the difficult days, weeks, months, years ahead.  It depends on the loss and the person left behind.  So, flying home and being with my ENTIRE family (minus Joshua, Zola & Piper who I believe showed sacrificial love by staying home) was needed.  We held hands and all said goodbye together (I mean, not literally). I am so glad I had the week following her death to be in the same physical proximity as my family members.

There's one thing I realized about myself that I will note more intentionally in the future. I need to say goodbye.  Actually say it.  Not in a "hey I realize you could go at any time so I'm not getting my hopes up to see you again" (can you imagine...that would be stupid and awful!) but in a "I need you to know that I love you, cherish you and my life has been impacted by watching yours" sort of goodbye.  I composed a lengthy letter to my Grandpa and read it to him while he was laying on his death bed (even though at the time we didn't know that was the end).  Speaking those words to him helped a great deal in my personal journey of grief.  I didn't speak those same words to Nana, and I'm still really struggling with that.  So, I had started a letter to her before she passed....hoping I would get to read it to her on her 100th birthday.  I was advised to finish it...so I did.

Dear Nana,

100 years!! What a thrilling number!  I marvel at the experience you've had since 1915...all that you've seen, all that you've done, all the people you have loved.  Pre-WWI, pre-Titanic tragedy, pre-motorized vehicles, planes...you have evolved with a quickly changing world and have done so with grace & poise beyond what most could undertake.  You've been a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a great-grandmother and a great-great-grandmother.   I cherish that we have 5 living generations.

Nana, I must share with you the impact your life has had on my spirit.  You have influenced my thoughts and my actions and have modeled some of the key life lessons I yearn to mature into understanding.  When I think about you, I find myself holding onto these words:

Balanced.  I don't think a woman lives to be 100 without having an incredible capacity for balance. You don't indulge or deprive.  In fact, I chose the word "balance" as my "word" for 2014 (yes...I have a yearly "word"...you'll have to excuse the nerd in me) in your honor.  Whether it is food, exercise, cleaning, cooking, spending, saving, talking, listening, reading, watching, observing, sharing...you simply appear to be in harmony with life, relationships & Christ.  Please teach us all how to have more hope and less stress.  I might add that you aren't completely balanced.  You love and you pray...whole-heartedly.  Thank you for loving unconditionally and being committed to praying for me, my husband and my children.

(you can tell I finished the letter after her death as I moved from present tense to past tense...)

Strong.  Goodness by the time you had reached age 20 you had been through real trials. You had mourned the loss of your father, given birth to a baby that lived only 2 short days and were in the midst of helping your husband work through a severe illness.  I suppose God gives us strength to endure at the time it is needed but He certainly sustained you through some difficult times.

Refined.  The dictionary defines "Refined" as: To become pure, fine, elegant or polished; to make fine distinctions in thought or language.  I believe the older you grew, you became exceedingly more polished, elegant, creative, distinct, lovely.  You had a firm grasp on our changing world and rather than being confused, frustrated, melancholy...you embraced it and chose to see the beauty of allowing oneself to evolve through life.  You held tight to the promises of Christ and chose to cast your cares upon Him.

Thank you for being a model of a saintly woman in my life.  I love you, I cherish the times we spent chatting...the times you spent listening to me go on about my own "struggles" and joys...the many times you partook in humor...sometimes at your own expense...and the life lessons I will take with me as I continue my own journey of living a long and fulfilling life.

With deepest love,
Tricia

PS--I don't' think I quite understood just how much you loved chocolate until your funeral.  I've always wondered why I prefer chocolate over any other food and now I know it is hereditary!  A dear friend once bought me an ornament that read: "I'd give up chocolate...but I'm no quitter!" I wish I would have shared that with you. ;)

It feels good to write that.  It feels good to publish it.  I hope maybe it blesses you, even a little bit.

5 Generations

2012

2014

The last photo I took of Nana (2015)...the youngest & oldest member of the "Stubbs" clan.

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" {Carly 3 1/2 Years}

I'm not sure whether to begin by saying I LOVE CARLY AT THREE YEARS OLD or to begin by saying THREE HAS TURNED OUT TO BE THE BEST AGE EVER.

So I'll say both. ;)

Every time I would complain about the baby stage to my Mama followed by an expression of utter guilt that I wasn't enjoying "every minute" of it she would always say that during childhood, each passing year just got better.  So far, she's been totally right (what else is new?).

I am quite certain I love everything about Carly.  We just click.  We think alike, speak alike (okay...she just copies what she hears out of my mouth), we have similar interests and simply similar personalities.  I hope that she has the same desire I did to always let Mom be a best friend!

Carly is a bit dramatic, a bit strong-willed, a bit emotional but ultimately driven by her ration and her thoughts (for as much as a three-year-old can be).  She is incredibly sensitive, compassionate, understanding, willing, helpful & eager.

I love Carly's ability to communicate.  Not that her pronunciation is perfect (because its far from it) but her vocabulary and her understanding of concepts is remarkable to me.  For example, she is great at reporting the difference of an emergency vs something that is against the rules.  If Luke has somehow found himself an outlet, has found his way on top of the table, is playing in the toilet, Carly will come running and say, "we have a-mer-ja-see!"  If Luke is pulling on the curtains, playing in the potted plants, pulling hair or throwing his food, she reports that Luke is disobeying.  I love that she understands the difference and can communicate that.

Independent. Is that what you call someone who can do everything "alla by my-surse (myself)?" Unless of course she is needing attention, and then she needs help all the time "because I am a baby right now." She can dress herself, put on her shoes, unlock the door, go outside, open the car door, crawl into her carseat and buckle her top buckle.

Helpful. Carly loves to be a "big helper" and immensely enjoys being praised for doing so. Sometimes she professes that she needs a TREAT because "I'm such a big helper, though!"  She helps clear the dishwasher, puts her own folded clothes away (when she feels like it) and after a meal can clear her dish, open the dishwasher and place it inside.  She is very willing to help me when my hands are full (although sometimes her fingers get tired of holding her crafts from church, her bouquet of flowers she just picked or her toys) by grabbing something I've dropped, running back up stairs for an item, etc. Just in the last month she began actually being of assistance in picking up her toys.  It's been really nice to have an extra set of hands and I've PROMISED myself that I will find balance between having realistic expectations of how much the eldest child should contribute/help and when I am demanding too much.  And...you are welcome to call me out on it if you feel my expectations ever become to high.

That promise doesn't stem from my own eldest-child scaring, by the way...I loved having more responsibilities than my siblings...it gave me a weird sense of self esteem or something. 

Carly plays with her MagiClip dolls what seems like every minute she is at home.  She loves jumping on beds, playing chase, getting tickled, wearing her princess dresses (she prefers her "Queen Elsa Dress" and is in it every waking moment of time we are inside our house.  She recently added princess jammies to her in-the-house wardrobe, as well).  She wants me to play with her all the time but understands I have other responsibilities to balance as a mother and therefore is perfectly content to play on her own for semi-long periods of time.  She loves to hide under her bed at night with her Daddy and requests that I find them by asking Simba & Nala plush toys "where is my baby kitten?"  Her favorite book right now is Madeline; but it seems to change weekly.  She loves the movies, Mary Poppins & Sound of Music (which was intentionally introduced after she fell in love with MP) and always always becomes a character in the story, singing & dancing right along with everyone else.

She talks a lot about when she will marry her prince and actually took it upon herself to make a veil out of my curtains Luke pulled down.  She will ask to pick flowers 100% of the time, melts down when she can't do something on her own that she seemingly expects she should be able to do and she will eat just about anything we put in front of her. She LOVES chocolate milk...and all things with sugar in them.  We can get her to do anything with bribery of a treat or the threatening of taking away her princesses.  We try not to use those tactics in parenting much, however, largely because she is such a reasonable communicator.

I could go on and on about how thoughtful she is...how often she expresses that she loves us...how she adds on a prayer for someone who has recently been sick to every prayer she hears...that she loves going to church, playing with friends, SWIMMING...how often she talks about her family (particularly her Grandparents and her cousins, Cora & Jackson)...or that she had real tears streaming down her face last month while requesting to move to Iowa.  Actually, I feel a bit bad that I have so much to say about Carly in comparison to my recent post on Luke.  I love them both the same, of course, but I think when the first child reaches new milestones, us parents are just so amazed at what they know, what they say and how they think that it's fun to report on!

I just had no idea a three-year-old could be so fun, so precious & so easy.